I feel like I have white hot truth coursing through my veins this morning. In the midst of dreams, powerful thoughts came through my mind as always happens the morning before I’m set to write my heart out. It’s almost as if my heart tells my head all the words it’s been holding and my head strings together these ideas in my sleep ready to fly out of my fingers when I first wake up.
It’s been like this since I was girl.
I feel electric today that’s mixed with anger and yearning like I’ve never felt it. My hunger for the truth feels insatiable. I just want the truth, the truth, the truth.
I want the God that I know to rest upon my lips and move through me to heal this last separation and I’m seeing things so clearly from this point of view.
The shame I’ve felt for being oversexualized, the way in which I’ve never been able to cover up enough to deny the woman that I am. The way slut shaming is used as another way to control women- to shame them where it hurts, the part none of us can control- our sexuality. The way in which guidelines have been issued to stay within the lines – to be one way, but not too much and how it’s all set up to fail.
So many of us have been taught our sexuality is dirty, something to be hidden, but what it’s done is stifled our voices. That’s not the God I know.
The God I’ve found in yoga classes, in client sessions, in nature, and on the bathroom floor has never judged an inch of my body. She’s seen it as sacred. It’s society that’s screwed it all up.
So many stories I’ve carried of who I was supposed to be has been tied to this idea of what a good girl is littered with images of virginity and perfection and meekness, which has never been important to me. I see these things as the reason for my rebellion as an adolescent revolting against the pressures I felt because I was supposed to conform.
There were years of shame for rebelling like I did not realizing that I was simply fighting for my existence the way I saw it – free to choose, but I was never free.
Because all those years, it felt like I was dragging around a ball and chain of guilt and “should’s” and no matter how far I ran, I could never outrun myself – that part of me that still held onto all the stories that had been implanted as a little girl.
I’ve gone on many a journey since then unraveling story after story trying to come back to my truth.
I’ve watched countless woman around me reclaim their power through witchcraft and new age practices.
Why do so many women find such solace here? Because it takes us back to what we’ve known all along. We’ve had a direct connection with the Divine all this time. We hold so much power in our intuition. And it’s been centuries upon centuries of trying to beat it out of us. NO MORE!
I refuse to believe the God I was taught wants it to be this way. He doesn’t want his most beautiful creation to be squelched or starved or controlled. He wants her to be free. He wants to see her rise in her power and do what only she can do as a woman – heal the world.
The Dalai Lama said the world would be saved by the Western Woman, but what I think he really meant is that the world would be saved by the Western Woman who had also saved herself.
This path of personal redemption of reclaiming the father and the mother is where I am today and moving forward.
I’ve met God. I know God. But I’ve missed community so much.
I know the next step is to open myself again to a community that will also be imperfect, but perhaps have more room and courage to talk about the God I know – not the one that condemns and rules in fear, but the One that welcomes and rules in love.
Thank you so much for each of you witnessing this for me. It is immensely personal, as we all know. Only we can walk this path for ourselves, but I’ve known for some time this piece of me has been calling to be healed, to come home full circle, and face some fears and forgive the institution itself.
I refuse to let my damaging experiences cloud my view of those that may be good.
I’ve studied Buddhism, Hinduism, Native American beliefs, pieces of Islam, and new age practices, but never have I been willing to look with a fresh eye at the place it all first started.
Anything that even resembled Christian beliefs, I’d turn a blind eye. That’s how deep the wounds have been.
But, I want to know what Jesus thought of women. I want to believe he saw us as the powerful sources of love and saviors that I know we truly are. I may not find what I’m looking for. I don’t know what lies ahead.
I want to dive into the texts of all texts and find others who want to do the same. I know there is a place for women in Christianity that hasn’t been taught to me yet. I know this is the last piece my soul has been craving, but has been too scared to pursue.
God, I’m here and I’m ready to learn