It seems silly to even ask. Don’t we all want simple? Don’t we want to end the busy, the overwhelm, the long to-do list and simply be?
Don’t we all want to get to that point where all we do is enjoy? Where life feels effortless like a well-oiled machine? Where times are simpler, life is simpler, life is easy?
But maybe there’s another truth that really keeps us from it. I know there was for me…
I was afraid of simple.
To slow down. To allow what is to be enough. What if I lost my drive, my passion, my desire to be more? What if it stopped my purpose short and all the success I dreamed of faded away? What if simple became boring? What if I became boring? And what if I became enough? Was that even possible?
When I first started this journey toward enoughness, I was afraid. I was so used to keeping up and being ahead, it seemed foreign and all together counterproductive to slow down and simplify. There was an inner battle. On one side, my soul was begging to simply be allowed to be, while another part of me (the very strong-willed part of me) was determined to make good of every ounce of my potential. That’s what I was here for: to advance, to succeed, to make something of myself, to make a difference. Anything short of that would have been a disappointment, I would have been disappointed with myself.
But as I started to give in to more simplicity, as I started to allow myself to slow down, I realized a darker truth. Brene Brown talks about the ways we numb our feelings. We drink and drug, spend and save, work and work, do and do, immerse ourselves in busy because busy keeps us occupied.Busy is a way to stay at such a fast pace we don’t have time to feel our feelings. And I was guilty. Oh boy, was I guilty.Click To Tweet
The over striving, the always doing, the fulfilling of my potential, the serving of my purpose was all a way to keep me busy; so busy in fact I didn’t have to face my own feelings of not-enoughness.
(Side note: How does this show up for you?)
I never had to face the dark music that the reason I strived so hard every day was because I didn’t feel like I was enough as I am.
Have you ever been afraid of facing the most vulnerable piece of yourself? The part that is so in need of love and attention that you don’t even know where to start? You know there’s a brokenness in her and when you let yourself feel it or even get a glimpse of it, her sorrow brings you to your knees?
It’s so much easier to distance yourself from her.Hell, I didn’t know how to fix her, how to heal her. In fact, I was angry at herClick To Tweet because it was her feelings of not-enoughness that kept me in this fast pace, this over doing, over striving, over pleasing, over proving. If she could just be ok, I’d be ok.
And the fact that she wasn’t was just yet another reminder of my lack of perfection. (unacceptable!)
It was her fault that it was never enough. And instead of moving closer, I wanted to lock her away, snuff her out, and pretend she was ok because that’s what strong women do. They put on a brave face, hide their insecurities, exude confidence, and succeed because in this world, there isn’t much room for real, raw truth. It’s about making it happen, carrying on, and getting it done.
But that wasn’t how she worked. It didn’t matter how long I shut her out. She wasn’t going to heal on her own. This poor little piece of myself was lacking her own love story. What she so boldly wanted for herself lay a gaping hole. She was the part that carried the most hurtful, soul destroying belief of all: she would never be enough. The only way for her to be enough was to perform, achieve, and succeed. This is how she found her worth and luckily for her, she had many an accomplishment to feed this need. Except the one simple fact that is was never enough.
So you can see how afraid she was of slowing down, of simplifying. Her very enoughness hung in the balance. If she stopped performing, pleasing, proving, and perfecting, how could she ever be enough?
But this was where her liberation lived. And so I went in…