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The Journey of the Warrior

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I’m in tears today. I look at my life and look at my life with Breck and I look at my life with Breck and Brax and my parents and my siblings and I feel free.
I feel seen. I feel known.
But for many years, it felt like a street fight. I had to choose myself over and over again even though I didn’t believe I was worthy of choosing. I learned to put my feelings first even though I feared I would hurt others in the process. I had to make some hard decisions to love myself enough to start unbecoming who I’d been.
And I see a very brave woman going through a similar journey right now – leaving everything she’s always known to become who she’s always been but never been allowed to be.
Have you ever felt like that? Like there was this unknowing process so you could come to know yourself?
It doesn’t make a lot of sense really. It feels ass backward. Like, why would we go this way? Why would we tear everything down when we’ve spent our whole lives trying to build it?
I’ve been thinking a lot about Love Warrior and this whole concept of The Representative. I think maybe we all have a representative that we send out into the world to hide our tender parts because we don’t know what to do with them and maybe we don’t trust other people to know what to do with them either.
It starts off a little at a time. We barely notice the way we abandon these little pieces of ourselves, but over time, we happen to wake up feeling disoriented in our bodies and in our lives. We look at ourselves in the mirror not recognizing the eyes that stare back.
“Who are you in there?” we may find ourselves asking. It seems so long since we’ve had a true conversation with our soul.
To move toward it feels painful. It feels soft there. Her voice is still so small, so innocent, but so scared.
“Will you love me?” she asks, “if I show myself to you?”
“Will you move away or move closer?”
It took me years to realize so much of who I was had been programmed not to be. Don’t be too smart, too pretty, too loud, too opinionated, too bold, too bossy, too happy for crying out loud.
And little by little, I tried not to be too much of anything. And when you’re neither here nor there, you feel a whole lot like nothing.
Nothing feels incredibly empty yet full of void – things you think you’re supposed to like, things you think you’re supposed to say, things you think you’re supposed to agree with. And you continue handing yourself over in this way. Until it feels like there’s nothing left.
Coming home has been a process for me. Learning to let others in. Learning to receive love. Learning what healthy love is to begin with.
It’s been excruciating at times pulling myself away from people who I know loved me, but sometimes loved me too much. I found their love to be stifling and suffocating. And I’ve had to put distance there so I can hear my own voice.
I’ve had to do it with friends, with my family, with romantic partners always being my own advocate and that in and of itself has taken some time, some permission. Okay… a lot of permission and okay-ness.
I don’t really know where I’m going with this. Just some thoughts this morning after a conversation with someone close to me. I want her to know she’s not alone. She’s on the path of the Warrior. I hope we all are <3 #learningtolove

Inspired by Glennon Doyle Melton’s words in Love Warrior.  Buy it here!

  • Erica February 13, 2017, 4:45 pm

    Hi Megan,

    I came across your post because I too read Love Warrior and i was transfixed by the part in the book about when she was told she had done the Journey of the Warrior. That resonated with me and realized that I was attempting to do the same thing without actually knowing it. Something has been awakened in me and I am fiercely hungry for more. I need to know more. I need to know how to do what it is I have outlined for myself. So I googled “The journey of the warrior” and your blog post came up first. Thank you so much for writing about this. It has made me realize I am not the only one doing this and I feel truly empowered and strong in this very moment. Thank you.

    • Megan Hale February 13, 2017, 5:00 pm

      Hi Erica. I’m so glad we found one another. Love Warrior has cracked open so many things for me and has been the catalyst for a new layer of spiritual growth and healing. I’m so grateful to Glennon for sharing her heart and journey. She’s inspired so many of us to reclaim our inner Warrior and a powerful reframe it is! You are definitely not alone, Sister! I’m right there with you <3

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