This episode is going to have a little bit of a different tone.
Where I’d like to start is here: How do we lose our wildness?
I finished bingeing 13 Reasons Why tonight and right now, I’m staring at an almost full moon holding space for all the emotions this series brought up for me.
If you haven’t watched it, don’t worry. I’m not going to give away any spoilers, but there’s something powerful that came through from watching Hannah’s life story play out.
Here was a girl who was in touch with her wildness, but where did things go astray?
I think we all know. We all know that feeling of watering ourselves down, second guessing ourselves, feeling insecure, or feeling helpless when others think something of us that isn’t anywhere close to our true character.
The way we start to feel as though we’re not okay as we are, that sense of homelessness we feel when we don’t feel at home with ourselves or we feel ashamed of who we’ve become.
And this feeling is palpable. It’s enough to make you want to crawl out of your skin. I’ve felt it. And it’s enough to make you want to numb. I think we all have ways we avoid the feelings of shame. I mean honestly, who wants to feel it?
That’s why we may try to over correct or over prove ourselves, why we strive for such perfection or big goals. its a way to distance ourselves as much as possible from the insecurities we feel inside. And when we don’t develop healthy ways of coping, there’s tons of toxic ways we learn to escape.
As I was watching Hannah’s story, everything started to go awry when she was slut shamed, when boys spread rumors about her sexual promiscuity, one of the easiest ways we lose our power as women. It’s been a way to keep us small for centuries.
I’ve felt it. Maybe you have too. And slowly, but surely, Hannah starts to feel less and less okay in her body, less and less like her body is all her own. She starts to feel homeless when what she desperately needs is a way to come back home.
Have you made that journey back lately? Home to who you are? Home to the wildness that is you? I know there are still barriers that stand in your way because they also stand in mine.
That’s why we do the inner work of healing and transformation and alchemizing pain into love because that’s the only way home. That’s the only way we restore our power – by healing our shame. Layer by layer as it presents itself giving ourselves more and more permission to be our fullest expression of who we are. And it is magnificent when we do and heartbreaking and tragic when we don’t.
I’ve done several interview this past year describing some of the deep level work I’ve done in healing some of my layers and I liken it to walking into a room where are your insecurities are sitting in a circle.
There are past regrets, past mistakes, other people’s opinions of you, broken relationships and burned bridges, the words one of your parents said, moments of self-abandonment, maybe even moments of abuse. You know… all the cozy stuff.
And most of us would see that circle and immediately shut the door. Fuck that. I’m not going in there. Facing those things is facing the truth except those things aren’t your truth. But the fact that you’ve been running from those things, trying to over compensate for those things, been letting those things have far more power than they ever should is the truth. And the only way we win our wildness back is to stay in the room. To look each one of those things in the eye and ask it what it needs.
That’s where transformation happens – where we can start to alchemize the pain into love and reach out for help when we need it (and P.S. we all need it).
Over time, that circle gets smaller and smaller and we become less afraid. We don’t need to slam that door or even keep it closed because there are no more monsters hiding. We know those things aren’t our truth. Our courage is. Our wildness is.
And every time we remind ourselves of our truth, we come home to ourselves again. That’s what Hannah needed, to come home, to reclaim her wildness, to not give her power away to other people’s opinions.
But that’s hard, isn’t it? To not care what other people think when you’re a teenager? Hell, it’s hard to not care what other people think when you’re an adult.
But that’s why we do the spiritual work of homecoming. Because we choose ourselves over every one else. We choose whose opinions we let in our home.
So I leave you with this. Think about that room where all your insecurities sit in a circle. Can you walk through that door? Can you stay in the room? Can you have the courage to look each one of those insecurities in the eye and ask it what it needs from you? Because I can guarantee you each one of those insecurities needs one of three things – forgiveness, acceptance, or love, and usually they need all three.
And this is the way we reclaim our wildness. This is the way we come home.
So I want you to sit with that this week. Yeah, I know. It doesn’t feel all good. It probably feels a little sad. Can you sit with yourself with that? Can you sit with the things inside of you that want to feel okay?
Because I can promise you, underneath all these big dreams and big goals, all we really want is to feel okay; okay with who we are, okay with us because that’s how we feel at home.
I’ll see you in a few days for Transformational Thursday <3