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Die Happy Because You Learned to Love Yourself

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This post originally appeared on Rebelle Society.

I want to live out loud.
I want to throw caution to the wind, step out of this box. Can we just destroy boxes altogether? Is it really necessary to have boxes anyway? How many times do we have to ask the question, “so what do you do?” so we can label this person and make up our mind about how much they’re worth of our time, money, trust, etc?
I could go with less of that.
I want to feel free, soaring, wild, high. I want to feel everything and nothing. I want to be aware of all that’s around me and have a quiet mind. I want to drink in the sounds, sights, and smells of my life as if it were on fire disintegrating in front of my very eyes.
I don’t want to take one second for granted because all of it is so precious. I don’t want to fight anymore, struggle for control. I want it to be easy with just enough struggle to be interesting.
I want relationships to be perfectly fit together with a partner that kisses me just the way I want to be kissed right when I want that embrace. I don’t want to ask for things. I want them to be known.
I want a red carpet to be rolled out for me. I want to be inspired at all times and never feel self-doubt. I want to know every single inch of me, all my flaws, all my strengths. I never want to be afraid. I want to be fearless. I want to be strong. I want to have wisdom and always speak my truth.
I want to live authentically and cuss in public. I want to never care what others think because I feel so self-accepted. I want this life to never end with countless chances to get it right. I want to talk to my parents more because I know someday I won’t be able to. I want to make amends that are small and stupid, but for some reason stick with me.
I don’t want to go through life thinking, “maybe if I just tried a little bit harder, a little bit longer.”
I want to be successful and create the life of my dreams. Is this a dream? Or is this real life? Can I put that much out there and not worry about what the world will say? Probably not, no. I know that about myself, but that’s okay. I don’t need to be psychoanalyzed. I’m perfectly fine just the way I am, heart open, mind open, wanting to be seen — really seen.
I do care though. I do. I don’t like that I care, but I think that’s being honest. That’s all we can be anyway right, honest, true to ourselves, even our depths that we don’t want to acknowledge? I’m tired of speaking in shadows and being politically correct. Can we all just forget about taking things too personally for once and speak from our heart because that’s what we feel, and not offend anyone? Does someone always have to get their feelings hurt? Is this what life’s about now? How fair is that, to walk on eggshells because you don’t want to say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing?
It’s bullshit, really.
What kind of living is that anyway? Can’t we all just strive to be good people and give each other the benefit of the doubt that we speak from our perspective of what we know to be true to us? Can we be that bold to speak so truly?
God, I hope so. For humanity’s sake, I hope so.
I hope we can connect and realize that we all go through similar events, feel similar feelings, even have the same fears from time to time. Does it not all boil down to the question, “am I okay?” Even when we know the answer deep down, is it enough? Is it really? Can I die happy now that I know I love myself, that I know I’m not perfect and I never will be?
To die happy would be the greatest gift of all, only second to living a life you can be proud of. I hope I’m proud of mine when it’s all said and done. In fact, I hope we all are.

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